5 Ways to Beat ‘Self-Acceptance’
Because there’s more to you, and you know it.
By misleading a person into feeling overly secure, the modern doctrine of ‘self-acceptance’ diminishes their sense of agency. The danger is that this social pathology preys on those for whom change is necessary.
This lie is often told to teenagers: that they possess no outstanding flaws, no inefficiencies, as they are presently. Especially for a youth who aspires to be something, is there anything more harmful than for an adult to say ‘you are acceptable as you are, now and forever’?
It would be a tragedy to let all that potential go to waste. No matter your age, you could be way more. Without any further introduction, here are five ideas from literature, philosophy, and psychology that can help you transcend your current being.
1. Enter the Darkest Places
According to Joseph Campbell, the issue faced by the Knights of King Arthur was in determining where to seek out the Holy Grail. Not knowing where to look, each of them resolved to enter the forest where it was darkest for each of them.
The idea is that if you are in search of what is most valuable, and you don’t know where to start, then look to the places you least want to go. Understood figuratively, this might be your lack of skills, a troubled relationship, or your poor physical health. Whatever it may be, have the courage to confront the issues that make you uneasy.
In this regard, what directs you is your conscience. Listen to it. It functions to mitigate any rationalizations that might lead you astray.
Perhaps you worry that your initial plan is imperfect. Rest assured: it is. If you are to enter the darkest places, then you can expect that is going to necessitate a fair bit of clumsiness. Take things step by step. Before long, your eyes will get adjusted and the proper path will reveal itself. Have faith.
2. Everything Is a Choice
For making sense of difficult situations, a friend gave me a piece of advice that remains an essential part of my kit to this day. He asked me three questions that might be generalized as:
- What will happen if you pursue option A?
- What will happen if you pursue option B?
- What will happen if you do nothing?
First, by articulating your position you will become clearer as to the pros and cons of any given decision. This can be especially useful in matters that feel overwhelming, which is when can be difficult to stay objective. However, it is the second advantage of this method that has always struck me as brilliant.
We often forget that inaction is a kind of choice. With it comes its own set of consequences. And it has been my profound experience that not to act in an already bad situation always produces the worst possible outcome.
Consider an employee who finds no satisfaction in their job. If they choose to stay, then they can formulate a way of expanding within the company. If they leave, then they risk unemployment but at least have the hope of finding work for which they are better suited. But if they do nothing, then they will find themselves confronted with the same issue in five years.
To have squandered your time, which is your greatest resource, would be a catastrophe. Suffering is preferable to stasis. After all, it is a well-known fact of marine biology that a shark that stops swimming — dies.
3. Heroes Suffer for a Goal
“What makes one heroic?” writes Nietzsche, “To approach at the same time one’s highest suffering and one’s highest hope.”
If you want to be a hero, which first means to save yourself, then you have to change your attitude toward suffering. The modern emphasis on comfort in all things — the cars we drive, the clothes we wear, or the places we live — has lead us to presume that luxuries are owed to us. That we have a right not merely to life, but to a pleasurable one too.
That is not the case. The fruits of society have been, and continue to be, generated on account of tremendous bravery and sacrifice. If your lights are on, that’s because some poor soul has maintained the power line. The gas you just filled your car with cost someone three weeks on an oil rig, which meant being away from their family. And if you’re lucky enough to live in the United States, then you can sleep well knowing that there are 1.3 million servicemen and women working around the clock to keep you safe.
These extraordinary people labor to their wit’s end in order to preserve the miracle of civilization. They do it because they have hope in something higher than themselves. Suffering becomes heroic the moment we get beyond our present selves and direct our effort toward an ideal.
Suffering that is heroic is justified, and that which is justified has a meaning. Therefore, suffering can be made meaningful on account of heroism.
4. Don’t Regress Into Your Former Self
There is a psychological phenomenon Carl Jung referred to as Regressive Restoration of the Persona. Here, his own description would suit the reader best:
“Let us take as an example a businessman who takes too great a risk and consequently becomes bankrupt. If he does not allow himself to be discouraged by his depressing experience [his] wound will be healed without a permanent injury. But if, on the other hand, he goes to pieces, abjures all further risks, and laboriously tries to patch up his social reputation within the confines of a much more limited personality, doing inferior work with the mentality of a scared child, in a post far below him, then, technically speaking, he will have restored his persona is a regressive way. He will as a result of his fright have slipped back to an earlier phase of his personality; he will have demeaned himself, pretending that he is as he was before the crucial experience, though utterly unable even to think of repeating such a risk. Formerly perhaps he wanted more than he could accomplish; now he does not even dare to attempt what he has it in him to do.”
There are a number of reasons why a person might succeed or fail. Sometimes those reasons are within our control, and sometimes not. However, when you are defeated there is always the temptation to retreat into your former self. Doing so creates a damaging split between who you are now and the you that you would rather still be.
The difference between ‘making peace with yourself’ and regressing is not easily distinguished, though one is the mark of sanity and the other a neurosis. The trick is to understand that in all things there is no going back. For as the ancient philosopher Heraclitus once put it, “Everything flows and nothing stays.” Try to keep up with the current.
5. Don’t Live a “Life Lie”
Alfred Adler thought that people became neurotic because they embodied a “life lie”. By placing the blame on external circumstances, a person fabricates a belief that justifies their future failure. The underlying motivation is to evade personal responsibility.
While it is true that there are events in life that are beyond our control, this is more often an excuse than a reality. Even if it’s the case that your life is doomed to tragedy, there is no way to know for certain unless you strive to overcome it. At the very least, act as though you have free will.
In the absence of certainty of the future, it is practical to adopt more responsibility, not less. The reason is that if you act in this manner, then your life will turn out maximally regardless of the circumstances. That, you can be certain of. Besides, do you have anything else better to do?
The more time you spend hesitating, the more likely you’ll be to conjure up a lie to fool yourself. So, act sooner rather than later.
Final Thoughts
If you’re tired of being told that you’re alright when you know that you could be more, then decide to be better.
Explore the darkest places to find what needs fixing. Know that everything is a choice and so there is every reason to act forthrightly. Strive for something that justifies its cost of suffering. Don’t regress and, most of all, don’t lie to yourself.
If you can do these things, then you will overcome the temptation for ‘self-acceptance’ — which spells mediocrity and unfulfillment. Get out there and be something. You know you can.
